From now on this livejournal will be friends only.

I will also make some drastic cuts in my flist. If you want to stay or be my friend, comment. If not, I'm afraid you will be cut.

All the best and talk to you later.

cheers.

Like, yeah.. long time no being here. Guess I just don't have a lot to talk about.

My life's pretty dull at the moment. Should be studying for exams but am NOT feeling like it. Should also be going to exams but am even less feeling like that. I dunno..

My mom and dad just left for a week of funfilled vacation days. I'm jealous. I wish I was able to go as well. But the places I wanna go to are too far off and thus just too damn expensive. *pouts* 'But I'll get to America yet! I will. I must. Dammit!

There's this 49 year old dutch guy on myspace, who keeps on sending me messages that he's looking for models, cos he's a photographer and he wants to take pictures, and he wants to take pictures of me. And even though it's kinda flattering, cos yay he must think I'm pretty enough, it's also very very not cool. Because how many had he asked already, and why doesn't he have any proof of who he is. And why sending me three messages containing the same thing, when I don't reply. Why trying to befriend me. What does he want from me? Getting me out into a secluded location and then rape me? Well.. lemme think.. no thank you! I decline. It's just freaking me out, that's all. And since stuff like that is one of the most wellknown ways of .. you know.. luring people along only to abuse them then.. I'd say fuck off.. I don't want ya. Plus, me and pictures is a no mix zone (if he is the real thing) because me's uuuuugly and so I already know that he's not the real thing. (People say I do look like Claire from Lost tho. Always a good thing.. Nice compliment. She's pretty)

and to end this weird post with .. ( it's storytime )

iff...

I ish annoyed.

I met this guy on myspace, and he wanted to become friends and talk. So okay.. sure.. I gave him my yahoo addy. We started talking. And he started to bloody try and have friggin cybersex with me! And this is like the.. 10th person in a friggin row! And I'm terribly sorry.. but I do not WANT to have friggin cybersex, because I think it's not at ALL hot, especially not if you have a picture of some italian looking, very buff and slick person as your userpic. Because guys like that.. just NOT my thing! Ew! Freak! Get away from me!

So yeah, I shot him down. He said, okay.. no big. Let's talk about something else. Fine. We start talking about something else. He asks me all about the Netherlands, which obviously is where I live.. I answer. He starts about gay marriages, and asks me how I feel about it. Well.. to be honest. I don't care. I'm fine with it, really. If two people are in love, let them marry. I mean, why should it matter if they're gay or straight? In the end, it's still two PEOPLE who're in love and want to rejoice that love through marriage. I don't see what the big fuss about omg they're of the same sexe so nooooooo they cannot get married comes from. Let them marry and be happily in love for God's sake! *heavepantsigh* But anyway.. he was like: oh.. well.. let's drop that subject then.. because he was obviously one of those people who disagreed with gay marriages. And just ticked me off. I mean.. why ask me a question if when you don't like the friggin answer you go all ... let's drop it then, because I don't wanna ruin our new friendship over this. For one! I hardly think something like gay marriages is really important enough to ruin a friendship over.. and I think people who make a big issue out of it should get a friggin life! Let them get married. Or just ban all marriages.. gay or straight! No more problem, problem solved, end of fucking story! And secondly: What friggin friendship? We only like.. talked for 1 friggin time. I don't know you, you don't know me. So what bleedin friendship? *heavepantsighsmore* So yeah, I blocked him. Freak.

Anyway.. this made no sense.. I just needed to get it off my chest.

Cheers!

I just finished writing.. well.. probably the worlds crappiest essay. Yeah. And I'm proud of it. Because at least it's better than no essay at all! Right?

Now I wanna dance.
Go out.
Have fun.
Anything! I just wanna dance and do not give a damn about nothing.

Someone take me out dancing? Please?

wow.. so much for completely random updates.

talk to y'all later!

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful young girl with hair shining as pure gold and lips red as... rubies?

Claire stared at the screen in front of her, and sighed. She should actually be writing an essay, about faeries in Old English texts. But instead of writing a 2k long, filled with yibberyabber, supported by arguments and structurally correct essay, she had begun writing a bloody fairytale. And even though she knew her teacher was a pretty relaxed and nice man, who could appreciate a joke every one in a while, she was absolutely posititively completely and utterly sure he would not accept a story such as this as her essay. Especially not one that was writting in such a bad manner, filled with fairytale clichés and MarySue-like characters.

Claire hated MarySue-like characters. Her herself being a moderate girl, small, slightly on the chubby side, blonde hair, blue eyes, not too special, it was particularly unnerving to read about wonderfully fantastic characters, who always got their guy, and the whole world walking after them. It was annoying. It was wrong. It should be made illegal. The people who wrote MarySue-like characters had to be very very ashamed of themselves. They had to be arrested and thrown into jail because they made all the other females on this planet feel like they were just moderate, if not down-right ugly. So the MarySue writers had to be punished. Brutally. Harsh. Violently.

Claire also had a knack of overreacting.

Claire's best friend was a girl called Natalie. Natalie was a fun, bubbly, fantastic person. Sweet and caring, she would always be there for another person when in need. However, if you crossed her and pissed her off, Claire always warned people that Natalie would strike like a lightning bolt, brutally and violently cutting you down until there was nothing left of the person but a bloody little pile of.. well.. blood.

Claire also had a bit of an overactive imagination. Brutally. Violently. Gorey.

Sighing deeply again, Claire closed the document, and stared at her wallpaper. She had a bit of a thing for one of Hollywood's finest actors, even though she knew it was sick and pathetic. She just couldn't help it. She just wanted to grab him, push him up against the wall, rips off his clothes and just.....

Sometimes Claire's imagination was not so much brutally, violently gorey. Sometimes it was just plain sexually explicit.



--

I'm bored... what can I say?

I'm feeling sick, and I have to work tonight, 6 - 10. *sigh* Can you understand I'm not looking forward to it?

As for other news, Damian, my little nephew is here again. And he is in a particularly good mood. Keeps laughing and smiling. So cute! He makes me wanna have babies, seriously he does. But the fact is, I wanna have those babies with one guy. And I doubt it he'd wanna make babies with me, what with already having a gorgeous girlfriend and all.

But ah well. I'll dream the dream and live the life that isn't the dream and never shall be :)

Oh god. Oh God Oh God..

I wanna go to the PotC 2 premiere on monday July 3th. In London that is. So I'll have to fly to England. But my dad's birthday is the 2nd of July. And now I don't know what to do. Whether or not I should go or not. I mean, would be pretty fangirlish, right? But... it's the closest I'll ever get to seeing him.

Oh GOD I am a fangirl!

Meek!

Ah, I don't know what to do.

Maybe Johnny'll be there! If Johnny'll be there I'm in! Definitely!

*chews lips nervously*

Somebody help me!

I've been thinking. Yes guys.. you heard that right. Go run in terror and scream your lungs out. Cos the crazy girl's been thinking again. But I guess that's just what one does when being bored. Anyhow, so.. I've been thinking.

Nothing..

What is the meaning of nothing. When is something nothing? I mean, if you say: it's nothing.. or there's nothing.. in effect you already destroyed the nothingness and turned it into something.. right? I mean.. nothing ceases to be nothing the moment you name it. And so by naming it 'nothing' you've already turned nothing into a something. I mean.. a word can't be nothing. A word's a something. So by naming nothing, by turning it into a word, you've also turned it into a something. Which then raises the question: what's nothing? If nothing isn't even nothing than how can we judge when nothing's actually really a nothing? Or is it impossible then to percieve real nothing, because the moment we percieve it we turn it into something?

Maybe I'm just definitely thinking too much. That might be it. Yeah..

Cheers!

Okay..

yesterday's post was clearly written at a time in which I was unable to think straight. The friend I was talking about seemed to have been put in a bad light, which was not my intent. She is the best friend I could ever dream off, the one who dragged me out of countless bottomless pits, the one who's always been there for me. And I do understand that yesterday she couldn't be. And I also do understand that I shouldn't lean on her too much. I shouldn't moan and weep whenever people expect me to stand on my own two feet.

What I was trying to say is that I felt like shit.. and I could've used her there, just to talk to. But she couldn't. Doesn't make her bad, doesn't make me a victim because that mean girl wasn't there. She had other plans, and even though she might've wanted to be there, she couldn't. And I understand.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I made you feel like you were the bad guy. I'm sorry I wrote it as though you're someone who doesn't care. Because you do. And I know that. I just don't understand why. And Ive said it before and I'll continue saying it.

You shouldn't. You just shouldn't.

Today not a good day. Yeah guys, another depressing update by yours truly. But I just.. I can't take it anymore. My chest hurts. And not only my chest.. my heart.. mostly. This morning I helped my best friend with her essay, because well.. she asked and I agreed to help. So you know, naturally when one agrees to help, one helps. And after that she left to turn in her essay, and I got left, sitting behind the computer.. being bored out of my mind, not knowing what to do.. having no one to talk to..

And I felt like crying so badly. Yet I didn't. Instead I just busied myself with Neopets and stuff.. And I waited for my best friend to come online again, cos she's said she'd be back asap. About two and a half hours later, she got back online. All that time I sat here waiting. We talked about fonts and other meaningless stuff.. And about her going out tonight.. and her going away again to do some stuff. And all the while I could feel my mood slipping. Falling deeper and deeper into a bottomless pit. She left again now.. And I can't blame her. I mean.. I can't honestly expect her to stay online and drop whatever she planned on doing just for me, right? But the thing is. I've done it so often for her. And right now I just seriously needed some her and me talking time. Just talking about what we always talk about. I just need it.

And it hurts, knowing that others have this whole life going on which doesn't include being online, but I don't. The only life I have going is the life I live online. All my friends.. I only talk to them online. I never see them in real life (she said like she had so many but in reality there're only like.. 4? 1 best friend and the rest people I enjoy talking to occassionaly) Most live far away.. and it's just impossible to see them. But at the same time I'm hearing stories about how they're going out and all. And I just.. I wanna go out as well. I desperately wanna go out. I wanna dance. I wanna laugh. I wanna drink. I wanna be with friends. But it's not gonna happen because no one's here. No one I can go out with. No one I can dance with. No one I can laugh with. I'm here all alone and it hurts. I just have no life apart from the life I live online... and the moment no one's there either.. I just can't take it. It's driving me completely insane. It's ripping me apart. The emptiness. The loneliness. I'm dead scared of being alone.. but in reality I already am. And always will be.

I just really can't take it anymore. It hurts so much. And yeah, you can tell me to change it. But how? How can I? I don't trust people. I don't make friends easily. I'm not one of those people you can put into a group of unknown people and she'll try to get along with them. I'm not. I never will be. I am the one who will fade out, disappear into the background. Who no one'll notice. That's who I am and always will be. So how can I change this being alone? HOW? How can I be okay with being alone, if there's already nothing to me. When around my closest friends, I live. I'm a person. I'm a somebody. I'm not alone then. But when I am alone, I'm really alone. I don't even have myself. Because alone, I'm a nobody. I'm a nothing. So how on earth am I supposed to change it?

I'm just scared.. that this is how I'll end up. That this is my future. Sitting on the sidelines, waiting for people to come to me when they have time, watching them walk away again when they don't, and being forever lonely. Because, I seriously don't wanna be alone. It scares me. It scares me more than even dead. Because if I have to be alone.. I'd rather be death. Because a life alone is a life of torture. Truly it is.

And now I wanna stop crying, which is something I can't seem to be able to do. Ah, who cares anyway, right?